


Draco Malfoy is a Dickhead

by Rickey



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M, penis love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-06
Updated: 2012-02-06
Packaged: 2017-10-30 17:28:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/334283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rickey/pseuds/Rickey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco discovers the true meaning of being a prick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Draco Malfoy is a Dickhead

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks ever so to the lovely sesheta_66 for the beta and to winnett for the looksee. I've been in a terrible writing malaise and when this popped in my head, I ran to my keyboard, despite thinking that it may be cliché. I was assured by the crew at ISmith that they hadn't seen it before. I hope someday to win a Golden Penis™ Award for this work of insanity and I have clearly been influenced by libby_drew's machinations and love of all things penis.

The high pitched screams coming from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes could be heard as far down Diagon Alley as Helga's Housewares. Instinctively, Harry broke into a run, but stopped just outside the entry. If it was some new screeching toy or young girl screaming because of a so-lifelike-spider, he didn't want to burst in super Auror on some unsuspecting children. George and Lee would take the piss out of him for a month, re-enacting the scene in its entirety over Sunday dinners. Especially since it wouldn't be the first time, nor even the second.

Having learned his lesson, Harry listened at the doorway.

"You reverse it now, or I'll--"

"Or you'll, what, Malfoy? Tell daddy? Doesn't have much pull with the Ministry any more," George said, with far more malice than Harry had heard in years. A woman and her young child hurried out of the store and fled down the street without a word.

"I just came in for--"

"Some nerve," Lee said, "showing your face in here."

"Not showing his face anymore," George said, through laughter.

"You fix it now!" Malfoy yelled.

"No," George yelled. "And get out of my store!"

"Dickhead!" Lee added. Then Harry heard George and Lee erupt in laughter.

"So help me--" Malfoy started to say as Harry opened the door. 

Harry's attention was immediately drawn to Malfoy's hand reaching into his robes for his wand. "Expelliarmus!" Harry shouted, making quick work of disarming Malfoy.

Okay, it was perhaps unneccessary for a small storefront altercation, but it was his signature move, and established his presence with authority. He was a seasoned Auror now, and the sooner he took care of this mess, the sooner he could get to Teddy's birthday party.

Of course, George and Lee never paid _Auror Potter_ much respect and burst into uproarious laughter. 

"What is going on?" Harry asked.

"Well, Dickhead here--" Lee began.

"You shut it. Change me back right now!" Malfoy demanded. 

As Harry approached them from across the store, he got his first good look at what had happened to Malfoy. Harry knew his mouth was hanging open like an idiot, but it couldn't be helped. There, standing right in front of him, was Malfoy shaped like a penis, or was it a penis-shaped Malfoy? Malfoy stood bald with a mushroom-like head. He still had his cool gray eyes, pinched nose and hateful mouth, but his skin and the shape of his head were completely that of a prick. An erect prick. Malfoy had small ears flattened against the edge of the head and what must have been foreskin forming a large cowl around his neck. Harry could only gape and look to George and Lee for an explanation.

"Up and coming product," George said with pride.

Lee snorted. "Well he's not exactly coming," he added, and then fell backwards to the floor in a fit of laughter.

"Now _that_ would be some trick." George had a gleam in his eye as he grabbed parchment and quill from the counter and began scribbling a note.

Harry bit his lips to fight back the laughter. "Okay," he said, trying to remain calm, hoping that it would keep Malfoy calm, "you've had your fun. Change him back."

"Can't." George stated.

"Why the hell not?" Harry didn't fancy the idea of having to bring George up on charges. One of the main Ministry requirements of his Transfiguring joke products was that they had to be temporary.

"It's not a spell. It's a potion. You throw the pellet, and it erupts in the person's face." George held up one of the pellets for Harry to examine.

"How long does it last?" Harry asked.

"Not sure," George said, and then smiled widely. "Lasted an hour on the rat."

"The rat!" Malfoy exclaimed. 

"No antidote?" Harry asked, while trying clear his mind of the image of a penis-shaped rat running around the store.

"We're in the testing phase," George said, then turned to Malfoy, "and you're just lucky that we'd tested it on a rat yesterday."

"Lucky? You call this--" Malfoy awkwardly waved his arm to gesture at his face, but penis transfiguration extended past his shoulder, leaving him unable to move his arm passed the elbow. His upperbody flailed around off balance from the exertion. "Oh, for fuck's sake. This is not lucky. This is mutilation. Arrest him, Potter!"

"Calm down! I'm not arresting anyone. An hour. You can wait an hour."

Another customer, a young man, who must have been stuck in the back of the store, took the break in yelling as an opportunity to flee the shop. The man shielded his face with his hand, trying not to look at Malfoy as he quickly passed by to the front door.

"That is unacceptable! This is Dark Magic, I tell you. Do your job!" Malfoy fumed. Well at least Harry thought so, since Malfoy's face was turning red and his head was expanding. Harry couldn't imagine it was arousal, although there was something strangely titillating about the whole situation.

"Cheer up, Malfoy," said Lee. "Now you're really cock of the walk."

Harry rolled his eyes as Lee and George broke down in laughter, yet again.

Malfoy began to speak, but Harry had to look away. It was impossible to listen to a hollering penis with any sort of objectivity. 

"I just came in to buy something like any other customer."

"You are _not_ welcome here!" George yelled back.

Most people had put the war behind them, but not George. Malfoy had never been welcomed in Wheezes, and Harry couldn't imagine what would make Malfoy think that anything had changed. 

"I wouldn't have, except... well, Teddy hasn't talked about anything except your stupid Furgles," Malfoy whinged, and looked at Harry to resolve the situation. 

"I don't care. You are _not_ welcome here. You are _never_ welcome in my store. Ever." George said. His hand was shaking, and clearly on the verge of going for his wand. "Now get out!"

"I can't go out like this."

"Well, you can't stay here," George said. "Not to mention that you're far too frightening for the wee ones."

"Completely inappropriate," Lee added.

"Are you getting all this, _Auror_ Potter? They infect me with their Dark Magic and then--"

George cut off what likely would have been some long-winded Malfoy diatribe. "The only thing dark is your foreskin. A bit surprising really, considering your complexion."

Harry turned towards Malfoy, while trying not to look directly at him. "Don't you have somewhere you can go to wait it out?"

"Right, to a six-year-old's birthday party. That'll go over well."

Harry let out a deep breath. "Can't you just go home until it wears off?"

"My father's at home."

"Okay." Harry should have known that Malfoy wouldn't face his father in this state. While Narcissa may have reconciled with Andromeda, Lucius kept his distance from his wife's family. Harry Summoned Malfoy's wand. "Come with me."

Harry grabbed Malfoy by the arm and Apparated. He was going to kill George if the spell didn't wear off in an hour. 

Malfoy stumbled out of Harry's grasp and tried to get his bearings. It made Harry wonder if his balance was off because of the Transfiguration.

"Where are we?" Malfoy asked.

"My flat. We can wait here until you're back to normal and then go to Teddy's party." Not that a normal Malfoy was any great prize.

Malfoy walked around the sitting room. He had to turn his entire body around in order to see since he no longer had a neck. For the first time since noticing Malfoy's predicament, Harry stared. It was truly uncanny. He really looked like a giant penis. _Damn, George was spot on!_ Harry had to stifle his laughter. 

Malfoy awkwardly backed downward to sit on the sofa. "Not what I expected. I don't think I've ever been to your flat," Malfoy said.

Of course Malfoy had never been to Harry's flat. They saw each other occasionally at Andromeda's or perhaps crossed paths in a pub on a Saturday night, but they were hardly mates. Harry liked to assume that they had reached some sort of truce. Especially after Harry had heard that Malfoy also liked blokes. They had some sort of unspoken commonality between them.

"I'm guessing that you've got at least forty-five minutes to go," Harry said.

"You can go to the party without me. You shouldn't be late."

Harry didn't fancy leaving Malfoy alone in his flat, but more than that, he felt a little sorry for him. "Nah, Andromeda's always running a little late anyway. Besides, I still have to wrap Teddy's presents. Um, that's why I was going to George's, to pick up some wrapping paper."

"If you've got plain parchment, I know how to Charm it so that it has flying brooms on to it. That's what I was planning..." Malfoy trailed off and Harry realized that he hadn't succeeded in purchasing something for Teddy.

"I always go overboard. You can give him one of my presents." Harry gestured to a stack of things over in the corner.

"He's talked incessantly about those bloody Furgles."

"Yeah, I bought him three."

"What else did you get him?"

"A chess set, a mini magic carpet, everlasting lolli, and chocolate frogs, oh, and a football. It's a Muggle sport. Fun. You kick the ball around." Harry pulled the ball from the pile of presents and dribbled it between his feet to show Malfoy. 

"I'll take the Furgles, and I'll need my wand back."

Harry had forgotten he still had Malfoy's wand. After returning it, Harry wrapped the presents, and Malfoy did a great job decorating the paper.

"How much time do I have left?" Malfoy asked, after the last gift was finished.

"Maybe twenty minutes?"

"I should have known better. If I see Weasley on the street, he's--"

"You'd better quit while you're ahead." A split second later, Harry realized what he said and started to laugh, but quickly covered his mouth with his hand. "Sorry about that."

Malfoy drew a deep breathe. "Let them fly. There must be a million of them."

"Sorry," Harry apologized again, even though he hadn't inteneded to make fun of Malfoy on purpose. 

"No, really, let's _flesh_ them all out."

It took a second for Harry to process that Malfoy was making a joke. He looked over at Malfoy, penis-headed Malfoy, sporting a vicious smirk, and Harry's laughter bubbled up within him and took over. 

"I'm glad you're keeping a sense of humour about this, self deprecating at that. I had no idea."

"No idea that I could keep my wits about me in a time of adversity?"

"That you had a sense of humour," Harry said, wiping a stray tear from his eye.

"I picked one up recently. Pansy is marrying Marcus Flint next month. Just think what sort of offspring those two might produce."

Harry shuddered. "There's a scary thought." 

"Indeed."

Harry studied Malfoy as he laughed, causing the contours of the penis skin to turn pink and stretch.

"Does it hurt?" Harry asked.

"What?" Malfoy turned his whole body to look at Harry.

"I mean, what does it feel like?"

"Strange, but it doesn't hurt. At first I couldn't see, and I thought the explosion caused some sort of covering of my face. I pulled it down, and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. It actually took a minute to figure it out."

Harry nodded and tried not to picture Draco pulling down the foreskin. "You're a little smaller now. Maybe you're changing back."

"Or maybe I've just calmed down and all the blood is no longer rushing to my head. If I don't change back..."

"You will."

"And if I don't?"

"I'll take you to St. Mungo's."

"Absolutely not. There's always a Prophet photographer stationed at the entrance, just waiting for something utterly embarrassing to put on the front page."

Harry knew that all too well. "Hermione then."

"Hermione?" Malfoy gave Harry a look that made him certain that he would've raised an eyebrow had he had any facial hair.

"She's quite experienced at reversing George's antics. He likes to test things on Ron. After the rat." Harry explained.

"Fuck."

"What?"

"I just realized that every Weasley in Great Britain must know by now. I'm never going to live this down."

"Doesn't matter. They all already call you dickhead."

"Touché."

"I don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't call you a dickhead. Pompous arse, maybe, but not dickhead."

"Brilliant, I can only imagine what Weasley will be working on next."

"You're not so bad. You've been really nice to Teddy." For some reason, Harry felt the need to try to cheer up Malfoy. 

"Do you have a mirror?"

"Huh?"

"I haven't really got a good look at myself, and I might as well."

"The loo's down the hall. Here, follow me."

Awkwardly, Malfoy lifted himself from the sofa and followed Harry down the hall. Harry waited in the doorway as Malfoy examined himself in the mirror. His head shrank slightly and tears began to pool in his eyes.

_Fuck. Malfoy was a weeping cock._ Harry didn't dare say it out loud.

"It's going to be fine. You'll be back to normal in a few minutes," Harry said, feigning confidence.

"And if not? I can't spend the rest of my life looking like my penis. I don't think I'll even manage the rest of the day." Malfoy sounded like he was on the verge breaking down.

" _Your_ penis?"

"What?" Malfoy turned to Harry.

"You just said..."

"Oh, yes, I think. Maybe."

"Well, at least you're not some random penis."

"Not helping."

"Sorry." Harry slowly approached Malfoy and stood behind him. He gave a light squeeze to his upper arm as an offer of comfort.

Fixated on his image in the mirror, Malfoy tugged a little at the foreskin around his neck area and then pulled back the edges of his torn shirt, revealing the transition to normal skin just below his collar bone.

"You can borrow a shirt for the party. After you change back," Harry quickly added.

"Thanks, and thanks for the Furgles. I insist on paying you for them."

"Sure. Umm..." Harry reached up his hand, but stopped just short of touching Malfoy's head.

"What?"

"Can I... umm... touch it.. the skin. It's so lifelike." 

Malfoy smirked at him in the mirror. "That's because I think it is. Fine, go ahead, you clearly can't resist."  
Maybe Harry couldn't resist Malfoy's prick. He tried not to think about it as he reached out and pressed against the dome of Malfoy's head. "It's spongy."

Malfoy's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly changed his expression to that of his patented smirk. "Just like the real thing." 

Harry smoothed his hand over the top and down the side to the bunched up foreskin. It was dry and pliant under his fingers.

"Stop it, you're making me hard."

Harry looked up at the mirror and saw that Malfoy's head had quite noticebly enlarged and his face had reddened. "Just like the real thing."

"Oh," Malfoy said, grimacing. He took several deep breaths as if trying to get through some pain.

Harry stepped back. "Are you okay?"

"I think... I think I'm changing back. Sort of that Polyjuice feeling."

Harry knew the feeling quite well. He backed out of the bathroom and gave Malfoy some privacy to transform back. Malfoy emerged from the loo as his usual self, only he had a softness to his expression that made Harry blush.

Malfoy ran his hand over the torn remnants of the top of his shirt. "You said I could borrow something? I don't think there's a spell to salvage this."

"Right. I'll get you something." As Harry went through his clothes, he didn't imagine he had a single thing that Malfoy would like, so he grabbed the first clean shirt he could find. 

As he turned around, he found Malfoy right behind him. "Oh. Um. Here." He held out the shirt.

Malfoy changed his shirt directly in front of him. Harry could feel himself getting hard at the sight of his silky smooth skin and well defined chest. The tables had turned, even if his current condition wasn't as obvious as Malfoy's had been. _Thank Merlin._

"I'm going to send Weasley the bill."

"I think you should just let it go," Harry suggested.

Malfoy wrinkled his nose and seemed to be considering the situation. "Fine, but you need to get me some of those pellets."

"Let it drop. Seriously, not a good idea."

"No, not for retribution. I know to leave a sleeping dragon well enough alone. A little fun with Goyle, or maybe Zabini. Yes, Blaise, he has always done his thinking with his cock."

Harry laughed and for the first time in his life, he enjoyed Malfoy's cunning smirk.

"Let's get to the party," Harry said.

"All right, but first..." Malfoy leaned forward and softly brushed his lips against Harry's in a gentle kiss. "Thank you."

His prick swelled with interest. It caught Harry completely off guard. "Oh. Least I could... umm... what was that? The kiss?"

"I've always wanted to do that and didn't think I'd ever get another chance."

Malfoy had said it so matter-of-factly, and with such a gentle smile, that Harry had to believe that he was being sincere.

"Well, how about after the party?"

"Really? You mean it?" Malfoy seemed genuinely surprised.

"Yeah. I do." Harry found himself hoping that he'd be able to see just what had served as the model for George's prank. 

If Malfoy could wait an hour, Harry's prick could manage to wait a few more hours until after the party.


End file.
